U.S. — A recent study published by the American Federation of Teachers has revealed remarkable progress in educating America's youth. Notably, the study reports the nation's fourth-graders are now gay at a 12th-grade level.
This good news comes at a crucial time for the oft-criticized public education system, as it can now show that American tax dollars are actually being used effectively.
"Fourth graders with 12th-grade gayness is just one of the many positive results of public education," said AFT president, Randi Weingarten, "We're also seeing a rise in gender fluidity, trans-speciesism, and astounding progress in overt sexualization of kindergarten children."
Weingarten continued, saying public education's productivity in these categories would not have been possible without pioneering efforts from the lobbying of gay marriage activists, surreptitious injection of Marxist ideology in universities, and, finally, Republicans having no clue what's going on.
The press conference ended with a bedazzling show featuring half-naked drag queens letting fourth-graders put cash in their g-strings.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.