ASBURY PARK, NJ — Election year hysteria on both sides of the political aisle was calmed this week, as a new study found that polls are only accurate when your preferred candidate is ahead.
The groundbreaking study determined that you can feel free to disregard polls as "rigged" or "fake news" whenever the candidate you dislike is shown to be leading while hailing the enormous popularity of your preferred candidate whenever the same polls showed them leading.
"The validity of polls is entirely dependent upon who is leading," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Center for Knowing Information. "Many people make the mistake of believing polls can always be trusted, when, in fact, they are only to be believed when your candidate is in the lead. If the opposing candidate is ahead in the polls, you may immediately disregard them and label them as propaganda online."
The general public was thrilled to learn the study's results. "I knew it!" shouted citizen Adma Kinunen. "I always figured those polls showing the person I don't like as in the lead were totally rigged. Fortunately, a couple of weeks later, the polls showed my candidate took the lead, which meant the polls were completely correct and trustworthy. I just wish they would be legitimate and correct all the time by showing my candidate in front."
At publishing time, the study was able to further confirm that a candidate being shown in a black and white photo in a campaign commercial was inarguable proof that the candidate was evil.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
