LUBBOCK, TX — A recent study found absolutely zero connection between your wife's crippling insomnia and the fact that she stays up every night until 3 A.M. watching TikTok videos in bed.
"After a conclusive study of over 2,000 wives, we've been able to determine that there is virtually no connection between staying up late watching cooking tutorials online and not being able to sleep," sleep specialist Liz McKay told reporters. "Women need a little time to unwind after a hectic day and six hours of TikTok time is really the best self-care. So go ahead, ladies, watch a few more — you deserve it!"
Local husband Mike Neuman expressed skepticism about the study's findings after his wife sent him the information. "Becky stays up so late watching homesteading videos and then can't fall asleep and is so tired the next day. I dunno. I think there's a correlation but who am I to tell her to shut off her dang phone and go to bed?"
America's wives rejoiced at the study's findings and let out a collective "We told you so" at their husbands. "I knew it couldn't be TikTok," Becky Neuman said. "I have insomnia for completely unrelated reasons and no one can ever pry me away from mindlessly scrolling until my eyes water and I start drooling. I need ‘me-time!'"
At publishing time, researchers had also determined that there was no correlation between eating an entire bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies every night and gaining all that weight back you lost when you were doing Noom every day.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
