U.S.—A new study released by LifeWay Research confirmed what everyone knew all along: beard length is directly connected to preaching ability.
"Throughout church history, the ones with long, flowing beards could preach sermons that would shake the gates of hell," said head researcher Dr. Jonathan "The Spurge" Pendleton, who happens to have a long, flowing beard himself. "The bald-faced ones are the heretics."
Presbyterian and Reformed ministers across the country agreed with the findings, saying it was a self-evident truth that God has revealed in the hearts of all men. "Only the depraved suppress this truth as they listen to their peach-fuzzed, wanna be pastors," said Charles J. Finklestein, an OPC minister in Philadelphia, as he stroked his 3-foot-long beard. "May they receive the condemnation they are due."
The study obviously found that women can't preach at all.
John MacArthur has come out hard against the study, calling it "fake news" and telling the researchers to "go home." John Piper also dismissed the study, saying, "Farewell, LifeWay Research."