CINCINNATI, OH — An eye-opening new study has shown that the majority of people who say they don't want to have kids have never put a toddler in a laundry basket and flown them around while making rocket ship sounds.
The study, which surveyed a broad cross-section of people who said they never want to have children, indicated that they had clearly not been subjected to the delightful and life-giving sound of giggling toddlers.
"There is a surprising number of heartless ghouls who don't want kids," lead researcher Dr. Lloyd Carson said. "After conducting a thorough study, we found that the overwhelming majority of people who electively chose not to have kids have never placed a toddler in a laundry basket, flown him around the house making rocket ship or airplane sounds, and listened to them laugh their head off. Pretty much anyone who has done that decided on the spot to have children even if they knew for sure ahead of time they didn't want any."
Researchers also found that laying on your back and yelling "Elevator up!" while pumping a toddler up and down on your legs is a surefire way to push someone over the edge into wanting kids. "It's just so fun to watch those little eyes light up and to hear those giggles," Carson continued. "The human brain can't resist wanting to have kids after hearing those sounds."
At publishing time, researchers had also determined that the best way to decide to have kids was to hold a newborn baby by a window with soft spring light filtering in while classical music plays softly in the background.
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