LOS ANGELES, CA — As tensions continue to rise amid negotiations for a new contract, Los Angeles Unified School District teachers threatened to return to their classrooms and resume teaching students if their demands are not met.

"If the school district refuses to give us what we want, we'll start teaching again!" warned Sparkle Stardust, a transgender pansexual who teaches 2nd grade. "We mean business! If they aren't willing to agree to every request, we'll be back in those classrooms and totally grooming everyone's children! Don't try us!"

Concerned parents have been strongly urging the school district to stand firm and not cave to the teachers' union demands, citing improved dispositions in their children and far less mental and emotional damage being inflicted on them when they aren't attending class. "My kids just seem so much happier and less confused when they don't spend the day with their teachers," said parent Adrian Diaz. "Honestly, I think my kids are better off if the teachers aren't anywhere near them."

The teachers union had reportedly made substantial requests for their new contract with the school district, including six-hour breaks during each school day, classes limited to only three students per teacher, $750,000 annual salaries, and a requirement that at least 80% of all district students convert to alternative LGBTQ lifestyles.

At publishing time, the teachers were reportedly seeking to increase negotiating pressure on the school district by declaring monthly celebrations of "Admiral Rachel Levine Day" in their classes.

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