States Pledge To Remain Closed Until A Time Machine Is Invented And Someone Goes Back In Time To Stop Coronavirus From Happening

U.S.—State governors across America are promising to keep their states locked down until the coronavirus is eliminated from all of human history- past, present, and future. In order for this to happen, a sophisticated time travel device will need to be invented first. Governors have taken the brave step of leadership to ensure the history books record a total of zero deaths due to COVID-19.

“It’s the only way to completely ensure everyone’s safety,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "If we just wait until someone invents a time machine, they can go back in time and stop COVID-19 from ever happening in the first place! The death toll will go down to zero! It’s a perfect plan, really.”

Other states have decided to follow California’s leadership and shelter in place until someone figures out how to build a time machine from the safety of their own living room. Governors have assured their citizens that even if they all die waiting in their homes, their deaths will be reversed as they live on in another timeline.

Bill Gates reportedly came close to a breakthrough in time travel this week, but his time machine got a Windows virus, became sentient, and went back in time to plant Coronavirus in someone’s bat soup.  

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