DANIA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines unveiled a new all-duct tape aircraft that is expected to increase the company's profit margins at the expense of customer safety in an effort to appease shareholders.
"I like money," said Spirit Airlines CEO Dave Davis of the recent decision to disband their traditional fleet of metal planes in favor of all-duct tape aircraft. "Profits are sweet. I'm a big fan of profits. Safe, not safe. Either way. I'm sorry, what was the question?"
Jetliners fabricated entirely out of duct tape bypass current FAA regulations, meaning minimal testing needs to be performed before they're deemed ready to fly. Department of Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy reportedly questioned whether the "duct tape abominations" can fly, to which Spirit engineers shrugged in response.
"Well, I guess there's nothing in aviation law that says an all-duct tape plane can't fly," Duffy was forced to admit.
The all-duct tape jet is expected to slowly phase out Spirit's current fleet of Airbus A320 aircraft.
At publishing time, customers on the maiden all-duct tape voyage described the experience as slightly more pleasant than a typical flight on Spirit Airlines.
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