DANIA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and for a small additional fee of $50, they will tell you why.
"We know everyone is curious to know exactly how our universally beloved airline went under," said one spokesperson while beating an old woman with a club for having a slightly too large carry-on bag. "We would love to explain exactly what went down. Anyone wishing to know can pay a one-time fee of $50 or more, and one of your flight attendants will come down the aisle and whisper it in your ear."
The airline is apparently taking steps to recoup some of its financial losses, such as charging extra for toilet paper in the lavatories, passing an empty hat around the cabin to collect spare change, and of course, offering to divulge their bankruptcy details for only $50.
"We trust that we will soon emerge from this sad time a stronger and more capable airline," said CEO Edward M. Christie III. "Also, here is my Venmo for anyone interested."
At publishing time, Spirit Airlines had upped the ante by announcing any passengers who refused to pay the fee would be ejected mid-flight.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
