CLEVELAND, OH — Prior to the NCAA championship game, South Carolina Women's basketball coach Dawn Staley announced a pair of exciting incoming freshmen recruits named Greg and Dave.
"Forget Caitlin -- let's see how her scoring record holds up to a 7-foot beast that can drain threes," said Staley. "Welcome Greg and Dave to the Lady Gamecocks!"
According to sources, Greg Billings helped lead the Boys' Preparatory Academy of Tampa to the Florida state finals before announcing this spring he had become a chick. "After not receiving an offer from any SEC men's teams, I'm happy to announce that I am now totally a woman," said the seven-foot, 230-pound center. "I'm glad to finally be living my authentic self as the top women's basketball recruit in the country, and to get in that locker room. Thanks, Coach Staley!"
Recruiting services rank incoming freshman Dave Marshall out of Ohio as the number two recruit, a stud power forward who set the state record for number of dunks this past season. "Lob city, baby!" said Marshall. "I'm 'bout to dunk all over these little girls. We're about to break some backboards, South Carolina! Have some!"
At publishing time, the nation remained unsurprised that the first trans D-I athletes would be playing for a team called the "Lady Gamecocks".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
