SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Reports today indicated that a lousy, no good excuse for a Bluesky user has not even made one single attempt to assassinate President Donald Trump.
The user in question, who goes by "@declonize_the_world.bsky.social", was revealed to be 29-year-old Dyaln Kravitz, a total bum who has yet to drive across the country and fire any bullets at the President.
"It's embarrassing is what it is," said fellow Bluesky user Marissa Holt, scrolling through Kravitz's profile and shaking her head. "Honestly, what is he even doing here? You're posting 47 times a day about ‘the stakes being higher than ever,' and you haven't even chucked a Molotov at the presidential motorcade? It's just shameful."
Kravitz had reportedly taken to Bluesky to try to defend his humiliating lack of political violence, but his pleas fell on deaf ears. "He tried to say that he's been busy taking care of his sick grandma and just hasn't had the time for planning assassinations. What a putz," said Bluesky user Violet Harmony. "This is exactly what's wrong with activism today. The republic is collapsing around us, and no one has the time for murdering political opponents anymore. It's all hashtags and oat milk latte foam."
At publishing time, Bluesky had officially banned Kravitz from the platform until he had committed at least one public act of political violence.
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