JESUP, GA — This news outlet has received multiple reports that Keith Vance, a so-called man, actually posted a Facebook story, even though everyone knows Facebook stories are clearly for girls and real men steer clear of such sissy nonsense.
"I was with Keith this weekend, felling trees, digging holes, and cliff jumping," said genuine man, Dirk Gutson, while sharpening his 12-inch, wood-handled kukri knife. "Then after accidentally checking Facebook for the first time in, say, seven years, I saw that Keith had posted a bunch of 'Stories' about our weekend, with emojis and music. Garbage."
Gutson and other gruff friends of Keith expressed concern over obvious insecurities that led him to take such ridiculous actions as fishing for Likes. Ralph Watt, a long-time friend and proud owner of only flannel shirts, was aghast at seeing photos Keith had posted of their evening rolling cigars and using a homemade smelter to smith custom spittoons.
"It was a night for men to be men and nothing more," said Watt, soberly.
At publishing time, Keith Vance's friends had staged an intervention and forced him to restore a Ducati 900 CR motorcycle without taking a single photo.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.