SINGAPORE—Disney reps have confirmed that the Rise of Skywalker edit released for the Singapore market has the first lesbian characters in Star Wars history tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon on Tatooine for their crimes.
The edit shows the Resistance characters share the first lesbian kiss in Star Wars history and then get arrested, flown to Tatooine, and thrown into a Sarlacc pit.
"It was really important for us to include LGBTQ+ representation in Western markets," said JJ Abrams. "That way, we can use Star Wars to lecture religious people on why their beliefs are bad. Of course, in other markets, we can't really do that. So instead, we're bravely including the lesbian kiss but just having the characters get fed to a Sarlacc, where they will be digested for 1,000 years."
"We just want it to be really clear that we are very woke, as long as it doesn't cut into our profits."
Disney is still making a decision on what to do with the scene in other backward, bigoted places. The characters may get exploded by a Death Star superlaser, pushed down a reactor shaft, or frozen in carbonite until the target market is ready for LGBTQ+ inclusion.
Rian Johnson suggested that they just have a capital ship fly through the characters at light speed, but he was outvoted as that doesn't make sense with established Star Wars physics.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.