CHICAGO, IL — After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.
"Maybe this Democrat will be different," said one local business owner while sweeping up the broken glass from her store after getting robbed for the 15th time this year. "We tried Democrats 4 years ago, and also before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, going back to the early 1900s. I sure wish there was some other kind of thing we could choose that would help."
"Oh well."
As violence and despair continue to rise in the city, Chicago remains hopeful that maybe this Democrat politician implementing the same Democrat policies will somehow achieve a better result than all the other times it's been tried.
"I sure hope something changes soon," said Chicago resident Oprah Winfrey from her luxury high-rise condo. "I heard a rumor that my assistant's driver's intern's errand boy got shot in the face last week! Terrible!"
At publishing time, thousands of criminals had celebrated another Democrat being elected by firing their guns in the air.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
