WEST PALM BEACH, FL — Following a historic day when he was arraigned in New York on charges of 34 felony counts, President Donald Trump returned home to Mar-A-Lago and boasted that no other felon has ever been charged with this many felony counts in history.
"I am, without a doubt, the greatest felon ever charged," Trump said to a crowd of supporters gathered at his Florida home. "No other human being has received so many counts of so many felony charges, believe me. It's truly amazing, that's what people are saying. So many felony counts! So yuge!"
While he and his supporters have argued against the validity and severity of the charges, claiming them to be a political stunt designed to harm his chances in the 2024 Presidential Election, Trump is now turning the indictment into a positive, resulting in increased leads in primary polls and a boost in fundraising efforts.
Experts now suspect that, should he be convicted and sent to prison for 136 years, Trump would likely be elected in a landslide the likes of which we've never seen and run the country from his prison cell. "My hoax trial will be the biggest, most glorious hoax trial of all time," Trump continued. "Even if I lose, I will win. Big time. So much winning, it's going to be crazy!"
At publishing time, Trump was reportedly consulting with his inner circle to come up with a wide range of additional felonies he could commit to add to the list of charges, though D.A. Alvin Bragg would likely convert any violent offenses to misdemeanors.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
