WASHINGTON, D.C. — After closing yet another investigation into mysterious situations within the White House, a representative for the United States Secret Service has admitted we may never learn the identity of the person who ate half a box of crayons in the Oval Office.
"There simply isn't any way to know who did it," said Secret Service spokesperson Sean Kellar. "The half-eaten box of Crayolas, which has only ever been located in the Oval Office, was accessible to such a wide range of people. Though it was found in the top drawer of the President's desk, we have no clue as to who may have been eating the crayons. It's a mystery."
When asked to comment, President Joe Biden claimed to have no knowledge of the situation. "Look here, Jack," Biden said with what appeared to be flecks of blue wax between his teeth, "I haven't had anything to do with eating any crayons. Jill has told me time and time again that crayons are only for coloring, so that's what I use them for. I would never sit at my desk and eat crayons. Trust me, they taste awful. Breedigginharbit!"
The Secret Service closed its investigation after finding all security cameras in the Oval Office area had been turned off for the President's meeting with unnamed Chinese officials last week.
At publishing time, the Secret Service had reportedly disposed of the partially devoured crayons, with the President asking how he was supposed to finish coloring a picture of Tigger in his Winnie the Pooh coloring book.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.