Scholars Confirm Jesus Always Fist-Bumped Apostles After Absolutely Roasting Pharisees

ISRAEL—Scholars working in Israel confirmed Monday that after owning the Pharisees with facts and logic, Jesus always fist-bumped his apostles.

"Jesus would absolutely STEAMROLL over the Pharisees, DESTROYING them with facts," said biblical scholar Dr. Clay Parsons. "We've known this for centuries. But now, we've uncovered firsthand sources that claim Jesus would then fist-bump Peter, James, John, and the apostles whose names nobody can ever remember."

Dr. Parsons also claimed that Jesus would often shout, "YOU GOT MOTED, YO!" and "GOT 'EM, COACH!" before jumping into an elated chest-bump with Peter. The disciples would then all "absolutely freak out" while shouting "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!" and "DANG, SON, YOU NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN?!"

During one particularly brutal roasting of the Pharisees, sources claim that Jesus had to hold back Simon Peter, who was alternately shouting, "HOLD ME BACK!" and "LEMME AT 'EM!"

At publishing time, archaeologists working in the Holy Land had uncovered the microphone Jesus would drop after destroying the religious leaders of his day.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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