Scientists Warn Of New Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut COVID Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons
Health

U.S.—Scientists are warning of a deadly new COVID variant: the Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons.

"God help us all," murmured one scientist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "It's evolved laser cannons! Frickin' laser cannons! If it weren't so deadly, it'd be pretty frickin' rad. Man, oh man."

The new variant is double the size of the last one. It is also supersized, so it comes with larger fries and a giant sweet tea, which is a nice consolation for it being so deadly. It's a limited edition, so get it while supplies last. It also apparently had radioactive sludge spilled on it while it was being developed at the Wuhan lab, so it has developed a craving for pizza and the tendency to shout, "Cowabunga!" and other radical phrases. And, as we mentioned before, it's got frickin' laser cannons. Finally, it's the Snyder Cut of the virus, so it has over 4 hours of extra lung-hacking action.

"This virus is now totally rad," said Dr. Fauci. "I hope you guys like it."

Fauci has promised the "Fauci Cut" coming soon, where he has total creative freedom to create the virus without the Chinese government editing his work so closely.

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