WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced Friday that anyone visiting or working at the Capitol will be arrested on sight if they do not wear pool floaties in case a flash flood hits the building.
"Good morning, Friday morning," Pelosi said to reporters gathered in their swim floaties, pool rings, snorkels, and life jackets. "We will continue to abide by health experts' guidelines at the Capitol. If you care about your fellow humans, you will wear the swim floaties. If you don't, you want your grandmother to die. And that's not very Christian. I would know. I'm a great Catholic."
"We are doing this for your safety," she added.
She went on to say that although she had previously encouraged people to get swim lessons so they would not need to wear the floaties, she is reversing that decision due to the new "delta variant" of water which comes with an additional 0.0007% chance of drowning.
Senator Ted Cruz announced that he would not be wearing the floaties. He promptly drowned in a fountain.