Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome Journalists

ISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists.

Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those in the dregs of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards and would not spend any time with news writers.

"Ugh, the journalists are over there -- don't let 'em see me," He reportedly told tax collector Zaccheus after calling him down from the sycamore tree. "Hide me in your house, quick, so we can get away from those lowlifes."

"Yeah, you tax collectors are scummy, but at least you're not a reporter," he said as they dined and did not try to destroy each other's lives as journalists would be doing. "You won't dox people, capitalize on a celebrity's death for clicks, or try to search through my old tweets."

Seeing that Jesus was indeed wise, Zaccheus then repented and agreed to pay everyone back and then some for what he had stolen.

"Once I saw that He hated journalists too, I realized He was alright."

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.