HELL—Satan announced Friday he is putting the finishing touches on a new breed of house cat.
Forged in the dark fires of Satan's spawning pits, the newly developed feline breed will wait even longer to decide if it wants to come inside or stay outside your door, scratch you even more painfully, and act even more aloof.
Researchers didn't think these developments were possible, but drawing on the dark arts, Satan was able to pack the new model with over 100 new evil features.
"We've sharpened the claws, we've made them coyer, we've made them smarter so they can finally carry out their plan to kill you in your sleep," Satan said proudly at the product unveiling. "Er--I mean, their plan to show you affection and appreciation."
According to the Prince of Darkness, the cats will complain 325% more often than other breeds, sleep on more of your favorite spots, and still whine if you don't feed them at the exact time they desire nourishment. They will also meow incessantly to get you to fill up their food and water dish, and then slink away after you fill it up. Other breeds already did this, of course, but Satan's lastest cat breed will do all this and somehow manage to be even sassier.
At publishing time, heaven had attempted to counter Satan's latest scheme by announcing an even more faithful, loving breed of dog.