WORLD — Facing increased backlash and negative public attention amid what is perceived by many to be an aggressive assault on traditional values, Satan has officially asked the LGBTQ+ community to tone down its efforts.
"Can you guys pump the brakes a little?" asked the Prince of Darkness in a prepared statement from his Midwestern headquarters in downtown St. Louis. "I'm all for degrading culture and leading human beings toward eternal destruction, but we're really catching a lot of flack here. Maybe take a more measured approach, because the whole ‘dancing in thongs in front of children and shaking trans boobs on the White House lawn' strategy isn't working out so well."
Though the Author of All Lies remains staunchly pro-LGBTQ, he expressed concern that the onslaught of progressive ideology will have an undesired effect on his long-term efforts. "Look, I get it," he said, "We all want to turn the world gay, but there are ways to go about it that don't turn all of society against us. Trust me, I've been slowly and deceptively poisoning mankind for thousands of years. Moderation is the key!"
LGBTQ activist groups were confused by the request from their master. "Oh come on!" said drag queen storyteller Sprinkle Glitterdung. "We're here to be LOUD and PROUD, baby! We're just trying to spread the Dark Lord's evil kingdom! We're destroying society and we're excited about it! Woooo!"
At publishing time, Satan had hired a Hollywood public relations firm to help rebuild his public image.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
