SAN JOSE, CA — Local atheist Jerry Carson spent another Sunday worshipping himself, say sources. The self-focused man reportedly woke up early to fix himself some breakfast before devoting himself to couch meditations for the remainder of the morning.
"What a glorious day," Carson said. "I am so great and I deserve this. Mmmmm. There is no god. Except me, of course."
With effort, Carson dismissed the invisible attributes of the creator clearly seen in nature and buried his guilt and shame deep within his heart, searing his conscience in the process. Then, he watched a Neil Degrasse Tyson special on TV.
"The world is a stressful place," Carson told his family. "But we are awesome. Especially me."
"All glory to me!"
In addition to TV time, witnesses confirm the atheist's weekly ritual of self-care includes light napping and bowing down to a gold statue of himself.
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