Sports
San Francisco Giants Hire Kaepernick As Head Kneeling Coach

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After a rocky kneeling performance during their exhibition game today, the San Francisco Giants hired NFL free agent Colin Kaepernick as the franchise's head kneeling coach.

Kaepernick will teach players proper kneeling techniques and the best ways to protest America during the national anthem.

"Kaepernick brings a lot of experience in kneeling during the national anthem to the game, and he'll be able to show all players the proper technique to protest America," said manager Gabe Kapler. "He'll make a fine addition to this franchise."

"While he couldn't quite cut it in the NFL, we really hope he makes a name for himself here in the MLB. That's what usually happens when football players come over, anyway."

Lessons taught by Kaepernick will include these:

  • Preventing injury while kneeling
  • How to make sure you're kneeling when the camera is on you
  • How to leverage your brave protest into multi-million-dollar endorsement deals
  • Funny parodies of the national anthem to sing during opening ceremonies
  • How to look solemn and serious even though you're kinda a clown

Unfortunately, Kaepernick was released on his first day after he tried to throw a baseball back to one of the players and instead lobbed it 50 feet in the opposite direction.

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