SAN FRANCISCO, CA — San Francisco District Attorney Brooke Jenkins announced a bold new direction for the DA's office Friday when she put forward an innovative new plan to arrest people who break the law.
"This may seem like a radical idea," began Jenkins, "but I think that if someone breaks the law we should prosecute them and throw them in prison so they can no longer harm others."
Jenkins' revolutionary idea has received zero pushback from a community that is reportedly tired of being raped and murdered. Though unproven, the plan is expected to make the streets of San Francisco cleaner and safer, as well as boost the dwindling tourism market.
"I love San Francisco," said longtime resident Joey Gladstone. "But I'm not a fan of being defecated on by a hobo who thinks he's legendary Trojan warrior Hector while my wife gets mugged by another hobo. I really hope this brave plan to put people in jail pays off!"
Legislators have voiced support for the district attorney's office, calling the idea an incredible breakthrough for the criminal justice system.
"I can't believe no one has thought of this before!" commented CA State Senator Scott Wiener. "What a great idea! Arresting criminals... fascinating!"
At publishing time, CA Governor Gavin Newsom admonished San Francisco Mayor London Breed for allowing a radical DA to lock up misunderstood criminals.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.