PARIS — According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
"The painting in question, Number 31, was one of the most celebrated Pollock works," said an authority investigating the crime. "But now it just looks like a bunch of splattered paint any moron could create, which really isn't much different than how it looked before."
The vandals were caught on camera but the destruction of the priceless painting was not discovered until weeks after, as the original painting was already terrible to begin with. The damage was discovered only after museum visitors complained that the poster prints they bought did not match the one on display.
"Some kids were screaming at people next to [the painting] but that's not too unusual. Everyone in France yells," said security guard Gérard Dupont. "But on closer inspection, I saw they had a bucket of green paint! That's a big no-no in any art museum so I kicked them out and saved the painting."
"At least I'm pretty sure I did. Did it always look so weird?"
The painting was vandalized by climate activists in what inspectors believe was a concerted effort to spread awareness for solar energy.
At publishing time, the restoration of Number 31 was scrapped after museum patrons found the vandalism an improvement over the original.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!