RUSSIA — Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny has reportedly died in prison after accidentally ingesting an entire gallon of cyanide poison.
The survivor of a previous accidental poisoning, Navalny accidentally gulped down glass after glass of highly concentrated cyanide in what Russian prison sources are calling a "Real oopsie-daisy". Sadly, the video of the mishap was deleted in yet another freak incident.
"We are deeply saddened to learn of Navalny accidentally ingesting four thousand times the lethal dose of cyanide," said a spokesman for the Russian prison service. "It's sobering, realizing one moment you may be fine, and the next accidentally swallow incredible amounts of deadly poison. It could happen to anyone."
According to the Kremlin, the accident-prone Navalny had previously survived tripping into a vat of acid and accidentally hanging himself while trying to tie his shoes. Unfortunately, ingesting enough cyanide to kill an entire herd of elephants proved to be too much for the leader of the Russian opposition. Despite the medical team's best efforts, Navalny was declared dead within minutes, and that entire medical team was declared dead by another medical team a few minutes later.
At publishing time, the second medical team had accidentally pushed Navalny's body off a skyscraper.
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