PAWNEE, IN—Pawnee Third Baptist Church hosted its annual Xtreme Men Living Xtremely for Christ to the Extreme (XMLXFCTTX) last weekend, and this time, the church managed to get the perfect speaker to teach the lesson on living like a true biblical macho man: Ron Swanson.
Swanson, formerly of the Pawnee Parks & Recreation Department, now serves as the superintendent of Pawnee National Park, near the Christian camp where the church event was held.
"Good day," Swanson said to open up his keynote address. "We will keep this short and sweet. The number one rule for biblical manhood is 'Be a Man.' Thank you."
XMLXFCTTX Conference attendees furiously scribbled down notes as Swanson left the stage to go whittle something in solitude. Then they proceeded to follow him around and observe his masculine behavior in everything from hunting deer to shooting fish.
"I'm learning so much about what it means to be a real man," said one PTBC member. "Before, I thought following Jesus just meant loving others, studying God's Word, and becoming more like Christ. But now I know it's mostly about shooting things in the woods, building stuff with your hands, and eating all the eggs and bacon there is."
At publishing time, a scandal had broken out at the Baptist church when they discovered Swanson moonlights as a jazz musician.