PHILADELPHIA, PA—First, the rioters came for Andrew Jackson. Then, they came for Ulysses S. Grant. Then, they came for the Fonz for some reason. But finally, they came for the ultimate racist statue: the famous monument to Rocky Balboa in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. It's not clear why they thought it was racist, but the guy in the statue seemed to be happy, so he was probably a conservative of some kind whenever he existed, they reasoned.
But the statue survives to fight another day, as it went a full 15 rounds against rioters and was still standing after the bout.
The weak, sissy rioters charged the statue and started punching it, hurting their little man-baby hands and running away to cry to their parents, whom they probably still live with. A second wave came in, but Rocky stood strong. Things got a little dicey in the seventh round, when one rioter threw a rope around the statue and suggested everyone start rocking it back and forth, but then their soft, buttery smooth hands got chafed by the rope and they had to call it quits to nurse their wounds with coconut oil.
"Balboa was a real champion out there," said one witness. "It was incredible."
Finally, after 15 waves of angry rioters charged the statue, the dust settled, and Balboa won again, having gone for a full 15 rounds without breaking a sweat. Balboa was declared the winner in a unanimous decision as the judges were appalled at the rioters' lack of form, indicating they had never punched anything before, except maybe customers' buy-six-get-one-free cards at Jamba Juice.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.