Politics Sports
Rioters Decline To Sign Colin Kaepernick

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Colin Kaepernick arrived at the Minneapolis riots last night, saying he was excited to be a part of the looting and violence.

Kaepernick tried out for the riots by throwing bricks into windows but missed every time. He was able to rush a Molotov cocktail into a Target window and then spike it on the ground, but then he caught fire. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to get selected for one of the riot squads, he filmed a workout video and sent it to various protester organizations but hadn't heard back as of publishing time.

"While we appreciate Kaepernick's enthusiasm, we need someone who can lob a Molotov cocktail accurately," said a representative for the rioters. "We wish him the best of luck in his future rioting career. We believe Kaepernick will land on his feet with another rioting organization. Maybe Chicago or Louisville will want him."

The former quarterback quickly blamed his failed rioting career on racism.

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