Revealed: What Your Morning Beverage Says About Your Politics
Sponsored ยท Apr 6, 2022

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Did you know that your morning beverage of choice can predict your political leanings with 100% accuracy? Don't look it up - just trust us, it's a totally real thing.

Here is what your preferred morning drink says about your politics:

Black Coffee - You are a red-blooded, freedom lovin', conservative AMERICAN!

Decaf with cream - LOL you liberal snowflake

Metamucil - Hail to the Chief! You're the President of the United States!

Kombucha - You're a Democratic Socialist hippie with diarrhea. Gross, dude.

Rainwater collected with a tarp - Libertarian.

Milk - You're either a serial killer or Mitt Romney.

Lukewarm tap water - You're a centrist but probably call yourself "politically homeless"

Gasoline - Anarchist

The fresh salty sea air and a swig of brandy - Oh no! You're an 18th-century whaling vessel captain!

Deionized Mineral Free Water - Far-right QAnon conspiracy theorist

5 Diet Cokes - Orange authoritarian dictator

Your own pee - Bear Grylls

Liberal Tears - Ben Shapiro

Tea - You are loyal to King George III and should be thrown into the harbor

Gold River Trading Co. Tea - You believe in God, guns, freedom, and AMERICA!!!

Skinny mocha dairy-free decaf no-whip latte - Nazi.


NOT SATIRE: Tired of buying sugary drinks and coffee from large woke corporations? Throw a tea party! Gold River Trading Co. is an American company that offers premium alternatives for Americans who enjoy a delicious cup of tea.

Start your day with Gold River's invigorating American Breakfast Blend or unwind with Chamomile Herbal tea. Explore a variety of high-quality blends and enjoy a healthy, flavorful alternative from an American company that shares your values.

Shop now and receive 10% off using "BEE" at checkout.


Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.

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