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Did you know that your morning beverage of choice can predict your political leanings with 100% accuracy? Don't look it up - just trust us, it's a totally real thing.
Here is what your preferred morning drink says about your politics:
Black Coffee - You are a red-blooded, freedom lovin', conservative AMERICAN!
Decaf with cream - LOL you liberal snowflake
Metamucil - Hail to the Chief! You're the President of the United States!
Kombucha - You're a Democratic Socialist hippie with diarrhea. Gross, dude.
Rainwater collected with a tarp - Libertarian.
Milk - You're either a serial killer or Mitt Romney.
Lukewarm tap water - You're a centrist but probably call yourself "politically homeless"
Gasoline - Anarchist
The fresh salty sea air and a swig of brandy - Oh no! You're an 18th-century whaling vessel captain!
Deionized Mineral Free Water - Far-right QAnon conspiracy theorist
5 Diet Cokes - Orange authoritarian dictator
Your own pee - Bear Grylls
Liberal Tears - Ben Shapiro
Tea - You are loyal to King George III and should be thrown into the harbor
Gold River Trading Co. Tea - You believe in God, guns, freedom, and AMERICA!!!
Skinny mocha dairy-free decaf no-whip latte - Nazi.
NOT SATIRE: Tired of buying sugary drinks and coffee from large woke corporations? Throw a tea party! Gold River Trading Co. is an American company that offers premium alternatives for Americans who enjoy a delicious cup of tea.
Start your day with Gold River's invigorating American Breakfast Blend or unwind with Chamomile Herbal tea. Explore a variety of high-quality blends and enjoy a healthy, flavorful alternative from an American company that shares your values.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.