HAMPTON FALLS, IA - Local man Paul Brexton grew up on Disney movies, enjoying and identifying with the edginess, wit, and rebellious teenage attitude of characters like Ariel, Aladdin, and Mulan. But now that he's older and has children of his own, Brexton has admitted that he's really starting to side with the lame, mean, stuffy parents in all Disney movies and TV shows instead.
No matter if it's Mulan's father telling her to know her role and do her traditional duty as a member of the household or Simba's dad instructing him not to play in the shadowy place, Brexton has noticed the parents in the Disney films, even when they're supposed to be caricatured as mean and overbearing, are actually the good guys.
Brexton gathered the family for a re-watch of The Little Mermaid and commented on how much he now appreciated King Triton's perspective. "Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey my rules!" Triton said as Brexton nodded along in agreement.
"You know what? King Triton makes a great point here," he said as the king flew into a rage and tore into Ariel for once again sneaking up to the surface where she could be killed. "It's really quite sensible. He just wants what's best for her. He just wants her to be safe. I kinda love this guy. I'm now a big King Triton stan."
During a recent rewatch of Aladdin, Brexton reacted similarly to the Sultan telling Jasmine, "I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of, provided for," as he urged her to get married for her future safety and security.
"This guy is based, to be honest," he muttered. "Really wants the best for his daughter." As the family's Disney movie marathon continued, Brexton found himself agreeing with Fa Zhou, Chief Powhatan, Maurice, and countless other parents who just wanted the best for their kids.
"Man, it's almost like Disney has really bad ideas about what good parenting is and is becoming this unstoppable machine that will continue to brainwash our kids to be little rebels," he thought to himself before pressing the button to renew his Disney+ subscription for another three years.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
