U.S. — A study conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) appeared to demonstrate that women experiencing childbirth feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he's stuck walking behind a really slow people.
"Maybe now my wife can get off my back. She's barely experienced an ounce of the total pain in my life," NIH Director Phillip Rone said. "I hate going to Walmart."
According to the study, walking behind a slow person generates a hormonal response that causes men to feel severe agitation, nausea, and the feeling that their body is getting ripped in two. Strangely, being stuck behind a slow person — while uncomfortable — does not affect women the same way.
"I usually just move around them," said Holly McIntyre, a study participant.
Dr. Nancy Ether, an OB/GYN, noted, "A man stuck behind a slow person for over five minutes has already experienced the equivalent of a labor lasting over 48 hours. In our study, several men vomited and refused to go on, blaming their spouse for getting them behind the slow person."
A large portion of the study highlights the experience of SUBJECT 37, who reportedly collapsed to the floor and cried after being stuck behind a slow person for over ten minutes and thirty-eight seconds. He ranted in obscenities, accusing his wife of signing him up for the study just so they could make a quick buck. "Why doesn't she care about my feelings? I need an epidural," the study records him saying.
President Trump was made aware of the results of the study early Friday and described the results as horrifying. "It's awful. Just terrible what these slow people are doing to our men," he said. "I hope I never get stuck behind a slow person. I never walk slowly. Only fast. That's what they say. 'You walk fast,' they say to me. It's really something."
At publishing time, the Trump administration was reportedly taking steps to classify slow-walkers as a domestic terrorist organization.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
