WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite pouring massive amounts of taxpayer funding into green energy initiatives, a new report has revealed that $7.5 billion in government EV charger spending has purchased one 4-pack of Energizer AA batteries.

The report indicated that the federal government's significant investment in installing chargers for electronic vehicles has somehow resulted in only having the lone 4-pack of AAs on hand, leaving officials stumped.

"We are proud to announce we have delivered for the American taxpayer," said Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. "Thanks to the sacrifices made by the American people, you can now feel proud that your government has stockpiled an entire 4-pack of AA batteries. And these aren't just any AA batteries — these are Energizers! That's a name brand. The United States spares no expense. You're welcome, America."

When asked to comment on alleged wasteful spending on the government's part, President Joe Biden provided a brief statement. "That's a bunch of malarkey," he told reporters. "My administration has the utmost confidence in… in… Secretary Booty Juice. Purchasing a 4-pack of Energizer AA batteries is just the first step in an important process to fill the country with… with the… with ED… E… with E… F… G. Anyway." The White House then provided a press release highlighting the outstanding track record of Energizer batteries.

At publishing time, Secretary Buttigieg issued a separate statement promising to investigate where the remainder of the $7.5 billion in government funding went as soon as he returns from his current vacation in Turks & Caicos but before he takes the month of June off to celebrate Pride Month.

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