ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In another incident of shocking homophobia leading up to pride month, a hate-filled straight white airline pilot has been convicted of leaving contrails across a rainbow, one of the most sacred symbols of the LGBTJFKLMNOP+/- Movement.
Despite the captain's pleas that the flight path was predetermined and only crossed the rainbow when viewed from a certain angle, the severity of the offense was such that he was unanimously convicted by the jury.
The presiding judge also cited the heinous nature of the crime when determining sentencing. "Mr. Branigan's defacement of the rainbow, a historic symbol of LGBTQUIA++?@#, is a heinous affront to gay, lesbian and trans folx across the country and a threat to justice everywhere," said Soros-funded judge Ladasha Wilks (Shx, Hxrx) in a statement.
"He will be re-educated and brought to account for his misdeeds."
At publishing time, Branigan has been sentenced to spend Pride Month in Washington, DC dressed in rainbow-colored apparel. Furthermore, he will be required to attend every topless tranny show in the District, though Judge Wilks did leave the possibility for a reduced sentence with gay behavior.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
