PALM BEACH, FL — Amid mounting accusations of attempting to intimidate former President Trump from running for re-election in 2024, Attorney General Merrick Garland explained today that when the FBI was tipped off about a school board protest at Mar-A-Lago, they mobilized without delay to quell the rising threat of concerned parents.
"When we received an anonymous tip that parents were assembling to criticize public school curriculum and policy, we sprung into action – we should have confirmed the veracity, but didn't want to risk any of these potential terrorists escaping." Garland spoke at a press conference today, adding "We take these threats very seriously."
Garland's Department of Justice came under fire last year for ordering the counter-terrorism division of the FBI to track parents who question pornographic reading assignments, but he reiterated that parents represent a violent extremist group during press questions. "The tip included reports of parents weighing in on their children's education. In light of this menace, I directed the FBI to pull resources from investigations into MS-13, jihadists, and Antifa immediately."
When pressed on why he sent 30 agents to Florida to quell a small protest of moms and dads, Garland stressed the immediacy of the danger: "We've seen disturbing news reports of parents reading vile pornographic material at school board meetings. These are clear instances of harassment and intimidation – we wouldn't want any school boards to be exposed to such filth, as we reserve it only for young children who need to learn inclusivity."
When asked if the Justice Department and FBI would enforce the federal law against protesting at Supreme Court Justices' houses or investigate Hunter Biden's 10% kickbacks to "the big guy" for business deals with Chinese energy companies, Garland ended the press conference, motioning for an aide to note which journalists asked the questions so the IRS could audit them next tax season.
When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.