ESCONDIDO, CA—Reformed believer Jerry Walters was reportedly called into the deacons’ office at his church Sunday morning, so that church officials could begin the disciplinary process against him upon the discovery that he was habitually drinking Coors Light.
The man was spotted watching a ball game at a local eatery downing several of the light, watery macrobrews, without once asking his server if they had any craft brew on tap, sources confirmed.
“The Spirit leads us into all truth, and that includes drinking craft microbrews with a high ABV,” one of the deacons told him gently. “We just ask that you publicly repent of your sin, and demonstrate your contrition by pouring out the offending brew and replacing it with something like a Ballast Point or a Founders.”
“Until you take these steps, you will not be welcomed into the assembly of the saints,” another deacon added sternly, according to those present, who stressed that the church authorities were troubled greatly by the fact that Walters did not seem to understand the egregious nature of his sins.
“What pains us the most isn’t that he momentarily stumbled, but that he seemed to enjoy the diluted half lager,” an elder told reporters tearfully. “Oh, that the Lord would bring him back from this sin leading to death!”
At publishing time, elders began weeping openly after a deacon assigned to tail Walters had spotted him purchasing a 36-pack of Michelob Ultra at a local pharmacy.