WALTHAM, MA — Transgender visibility took yet another step forward today as Raytheon unveiled its new Patriot missile endorsed by transgender TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney. President Biden immediately celebrated this new line of missiles, hailing it as a leap forward in lethal diversity.
"It's got this Dylan fella's face all over it," President Biden said in short remarks before he made several attempts to board Air Force One and depart for an Easter holiday weekend. "Not only is this missile an advanced and deadly tool in our arsenal, but it's also a symbol of everything the U.S. military has become. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!"
The missile features a trans flag and Mulvaney's image along with sparkling glitter and speakers to blast Lady Gaga songs as it soars through the sky toward its intended target. Upon impact, the missile is also designed to explode in an enormous mushroom cloud of pink confetti as it inflicts mass death and destruction. "This really is a perfect combination of modern warfare and fabulous transgender pride," said a Raytheon spokesperson. "And that's what we're all about here at Raytheon."
U.S. Military officials were hoping this would be the first of many Dylan Mulvaney-themed weaponry projects in the future, including pink Humvees, ICBMs, and machine guns that have had their barrels surgically removed.
At publishing time, rumors were already spreading that Russian President Vladimir Putin was ready to surrender after it was revealed Dylan Mulvaney would personally deliver the first batch of missiles to the Russia-Ukraine region.
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: