U.S. — Progressive Christians around the nation are sounding the alarm over the new Speaker of the House, warning that he is a Christian politician who actually believes Christian things.
"Believing the Bible without being a highly educated scholar like me is dangerous," warned Kristin Du Mez. "Christian Nationalist nutjobs like this are exactly what we've been warning everyone about. He's a Creationist who believes in Noah's Ark for Pete's sake! He believes gay marriage could destroy America! He has co-sponsored several bills to ban abortion nationwide! Can you imagine? BANNING ABORTION?"
"REEEEEEEEEEE!" She added.
Progressives started thinking something was off about the new Speaker when he prayed on the House floor to the Christian God and then claimed in his acceptance speech that "the Bible is clear" and that "God is the one who raises up leaders."
"Watch out, America!" said Phil Vischer on his podcast. "Lots of politicians claim to be Christians so they can get votes, but this guy seems to actually believe this stuff! Sick! Sick! Sick!"
Sources claim that when asked to respond to these allegations, Speaker Johnson simply began singing the Sunday School anthem "The B-I-B-L-E" like a deranged lunatic.
At publishing time, progressive Christians were carefully analyzing what was wrong about Speaker Johnson being in a covenant marriage and installing Covenant Eyes on his new work computer.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.