WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden traveled to Walter Reed for his annual physical, which reportedly got off to a rough start as Biden swallowed the little hammer things that doctors whack people's knees with.

"No! You spit it out this instant!" cried Dr. Sam Burns as Biden shoved the handle down his gullet. "Aw man, not again, Joe! How many times do I have to tell you not to eat hammers!"

According to sources, Biden has a long history of eating medical equipment, having consumed an otoscope and an extra-large blood pressure cuff during his last trip to the doctor. The most serious instance occurred when Biden ate an entire jar of tongue depressors, believing them to be the little wooden ice cream spoons.

"Sometimes we have to pump his stomach, but usually we just wait it out," explained Dr. Burns. "Biden's got a real taste for these hammers though. I've hard to start buying them in bulk, I lose at least one every time I see him."

At publishing time, President Biden had joined Anchorman's Brick Tamland in being able to accurately say, "I pooped a hammer."

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.