President Joe Biden underwent his annual physical exam, and despite evidence to the contrary, he is apparently still alive. That's not the only startling discovery that came out of the exam, however.

The Babylon Bee has obtained copies of the medical record and can now reveal the following surprise findings:

1. He arrived with his stool sample already in his pants: The doctor appreciated the president's initiative.
2. The suspicious mole on his arm turned out to just be melted chocolate ice cream: This was discovered when he licked it off mid-exam.
3. There was a crayon up his nose that's been pressing on the frontal lobe of his brain this whole time: Well, that explains a lot!
4. There's a tapeworm living in Biden's intestines that he nicknamed "Barack": Sounds about right.
5. His lungs are half-filled with hair from young girls: Stop sniffing so hard, Joe!
6. He's under the impression that his wife is a doctor: Poor guy.
7. His carotid arteries are 98% blocked with chocolate chip ice cream: Two percent of blood reaching the brain - not bad.
8. His cognitive ability is the best of any president in history: Wait a minute...
9. There are currently three different types of dementia warring for supremacy in his brain: That sounds more like it.

All in all, much less concerning than anyone would have predicted. He's still every bit as fit to lead as Jimmy Carter!

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