VATICAN CITY - In a private moment of reflection after watching one of his cardinals state that the head of the Roman Catholic Church was too busy speaking about the environment, addressing migrant issues, and "carrying on the work of the church" to address victims of the Church's horrific sex abuse scandal, the Pontiff suddenly realized he might actually be the eschatological Antichrist.

"Oh man," he murmured as he took a good, hard look at himself in the mirror. "Too busy talking about the environment to care for those abused by the Church? That sounds so bad. I wonder if I'm actually the Antichrist. Or at least an antichrist, like the ones John wrote about." He took a few minutes to think about it, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

The Pope then flipped through biblical passages talking about the evil antagonist in the book of Revelation, trying to figure out if his suspicions were accurate. "Yup. Ugh. The large, ornate hat does seem to fit," he was forced to admit at length.