VATICAN CITY — Exercising his authority as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV pronounced another 100-year curse on the Chicago Cubs.
According to a statement released by the Vatican, the Chicago Cubs had been definitively sentenced to another century of not winning the World Series.
"Maledicti et anathemati quibus placent... er, the Chicago Cubs," the current occupant of the See of Rome declared. "By the power vested in me as the Successor of Peter, I hereby pronounce the pontifical curse on the Chicago Cubs and all that belongs to them. No World Series for the next century, world without end, amen."
Highly placed Vatican sources confirmed that while it may still be possible for Cubs fans to be saved, the pope had yet to make an official statement on the matter.
"Chicago Cubs supporters walk in serious though perhaps not fully heretical error," said one Vatican insider. "They, unlike St. Louis Cardinals fans, are not beyond the reach of God's grace. May God have mercy on their souls and bring them swiftly to firm and faithful trust in the White Sox. His Holiness has expressed the strong conviction that God is unwilling that any should root for the Cubs, and that all men should repent and come to be fans of the White Sox."
At publishing time, Pope Leo XIV had further declared that serving as a White Sox fan was in line with the sacrificial suffering modeled by Christ and that watching White Sox games could be deducted from time spent in Purgatory.
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