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Pope Francis Replaced By John Piper

VATICAN CITY—As scandals continued to erupt around Pope Francis, Catholic faith in the Supreme Pontiff quickly plummeted, prompting the College of Cardinals to elect a new pope to replace him.

Knowing the Church needed a major shift in theology and practice, the Cardinals turned to an unlikely candidate to replace Francis: pastor and author John Piper.

Piper’s changes to the Church were swift and far-reaching. He immediately revoked traditional Roman Catholic teachings on justification, abolished prayers to saints, and ordered relics and icons across the globe destroyed. He also issued a decree making 7-point Calvinism the official position of the Church.

“Pope John is tough, but fair,” said one Cardinal. “We’re still getting used to the whole justification by faith thing, and he’s definitely a lot more animated than previous Popes, but we think it’s gonna work out. We really needed this kind of a Reformation.”

“I’m really interested in hearing about this soul-satisfying, all-consuming passion for the glory of God he keeps talking about,” he added.

At publishing time, after making a whole host of sweeping reforms throughout Catholicism, Piper had rebuked himself for taking on the unbiblical role of Head of the Church, fired all the cardinals and bishops, and abolished the papacy altogether.

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