Politics
Polling Places Now Offering Basins Of Water So You Can Wash Your Hands Like Pontius Pilate

U.S.—In order to help voters absolve themselves of responsibility and guilt for the politicians they selected, polling places around the country are offering a bowl of water to all voters in the voting booth, sources confirmed Saturday.

"We noticed early voters looking really queasy as they left the polling station," an election official told reporters. "Some just vomited on the spot, while others just looked like they were going to be ill. So we instituted an emergency measure, allowing people to wash themselves clean on the way out."

While some are praising the move, others say it's not enough.

"Sure, they give us something to wash our hands. But they don't do anything about the stench and the noxious fumes rising from the ballots," a nauseous-looking voter in New York City told reporters as he exited his polling station at a local booth, wiping vomit from his chin. "Wish they'd give us something to hold our noses with while voting."

According to officials, the handwashing initiative is a massive success, with over 98% of those participating in exit polls reporting they scrubbed for a good 20 minutes after voting.

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