U.S. - Antifa factions nationwide had planned a "deface Columbus day," on which they intended to deface and destroy statues of Christopher Columbus Monday, but authorities in many cities got the better of the radical far-left groups with a brilliant idea: by adhering legitimate job applications all over their local Columbus statues, they virtually guaranteed that Antifa groups would not approach them.

"It's working extremely well so far. These Antifa thugs won't go anywhere near an opportunity for gainful employment," Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters. "We urge other American cities: if you want to protect your statues of Columbus, just head to the nearest McDonald's or Walmart and ask for a stack of job applications. Get some tape and stick them all over the statue, and you can pretty much just go about your day at that point."

"Job applications are Antifa's kryptonite," he added.

At publishing time, Beck confirmed that "Help Wanted" signs, American flags, gendered bathroom signs, and notes from their mothers informing them that it's time to grow up and get their own place should have a similar paralyzing effect on the ruthless Antifa mobs.