THE SHIRE — Sources close to Peregrin "Pippin" Took report that the hobbit still suffers from PTSD flashbacks any time he witnesses someone in his general vicinity eating a cherry tomato.
Reportedly, Pippin's phobia stems from a traumatic experience he suffered in Minas Tirith, where he was forced to sing a song for the Steward Denethor as he gulped down a banquet of chicken, grapes, and bread. Sources say that Pippin's latest episode came shortly after his cousin Merry inadvertently indulged in a salad containing cherry tomatoes during his second after-lunch snack.
"The juice…augh, sweet mercies, the juice!" cried Pippin, quaking uncontrollably and on the verge of tears. "Please, oh please make it stop…the chewing, the echo through the room of the spurting tomato guts, the seeds flying everywhere! Oh heavens! And that song…but the juice, running down his chin! Chicken! CHICKEN! Not the cherry tomatoes!"
Eyewitnesses say that Pippin crumpled to the floor a sobbing wreck as Merry desperately whisked the bowl of salad out of sight and rebuked his cousin. "Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?"
At publishing time, Pippin had revived somewhat after Merry had promised him that he could have some lembas and told him, "You can even have four, if you like."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
