BETHESDA, MD — Results from President Donald Trump's 6-month physical at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center appeared to show that his midi-chlorian count is "off the charts."
During routine testing, doctors examining a blood sample of the president discovered a midi-chlorian count higher than anyone they'd ever tested.
"The reading's off the chart. Over 20,000," noted Dr. Ben Kennedy. "Not even Reagan had a midi-chlorian count that high."
"No president has," agreed Dr. Quigly Jensen, the supervising physician on duty.
Doctors were still unsure what it meant.
According to experts, midi-chlorians are microscopic organisms that reside inside all living cells. They serve as a natural conduit or bridge that allows individuals to communicate with the Force. A higher count is typically tied to a greater natural ability with the Force, but a count as high as Trump's is unheard of and may indicate he was conceived by the Force itself.
"I'm the healthiest man in the world. All the doctors are saying it," reported Trump. "I maxed out all the charts, if you can believe it. Not even Obama could do that."
The president's midi-chlorian count, reportedly triple-checked by staff at the Joint Pathology Center in nearby Silver Spring, remained unexplained.
At publishing time, debate continued to rage among experts as to whether or not President Trump was "The Chosen One."
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