WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.
After growing concerned about the condition of the military's top brass, Hegseth reportedly placed an urgent call to Hans and Franz and offered them whatever it would take to bring them to the nation's capital to serve as the Trump administration's hand-picked experts to help the commanders of the armed forces become lean and fit.
"These guys are the best at what they do," Hegseth told the media after announcing the arrival of the new trainers. "We've got enough to worry about with our national security without having to be concerned about the type of image it portrays to the world that our soldiers are under the command of 4-Star General Tubby Bigbottom over here. Hans and Franz are going to solve this problem, and solve it quickly."
In brief comments to reporters, Hans and Franz promised to whip the U.S. military leadership back into fighting shape.
"I am Hans."
"And I am Franz."
"And we are here to pump — CLAP — your generals up!"
"When you are leading the deadliest fighting force in the world, you can't afford to be a little girly man," Hans said.
"Ya, ya, this is right," Franz said. "You will get rid of those puny arms and those flabby bellies, or we will take our weight belts to your buttocks until they are purple."
At publishing time, Hegseth had announced that any mental health crisis in the armed forces would now be addressed by renowned motivational speaker Matt Foley.
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