ST. PAUL, MN — According to sources, membership at a local pentecostal church failed to notice when protestors stormed the building and began screaming at everyone because it wasn't at all dissimilar from a typical pentecostal service.
Church membership at Golgotha Holy Fire Victory Pentecostal was reportedly overjoyed at the influx of visitors who joined them to speak in strange tongues, shove each other, and roll all over the floor. Church leadership called it the most successful service they'd ever had.
"Those people had the Spirit on them, no doubt," said longtime member Steve Winthrop. "What a blessing!"
Disgraced former CNN host Don Lemon reported that anti-ICE protestors were dismayed to discover they could not intimidate churchgoers, no matter how much of a commotion they made.
"ICE are Nazis! Justice for — why are you all on the floor?" a rioter identified as Cranston Crail said, becoming distracted by the Pentecostal worship.
"Abalambambmbmacmcmbama!" a member answered.
At publishing time, another group of rioters who intruded upon a Baptist church in Texas had been rushed to the hospital with multiple gunshot injuries.
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